amethyststar: (Faire 2014)
[personal profile] amethyststar
Warning…my thoughts and words are chasing each other like dogs chasing their tails…this is a stream of consciousness blog, it may not make sense, but I am hoping it will gel into a cohesive, understandable piece, the more I let it out.

This is a slowdown day. After months of running in chaotic full tilt mode, my body and mind (working in cahoots for a change), have decided that I need to stop today, for this moment in time.

I have slowly come to the realization over the last few weeks that I have been running away from myself. I have been lost ever since my illness. Everything that has happened in the last few months has been leading up to right now.

What precipitated this awareness was finding my old blog from 2001 to 2009 a few days ago.  I felt as if I was reading someone else’s words. I cried throughout and realized that I have been subconsciously, desperately looking for the “me” I was before the cancer! I was so happy, so cheerful, so hopeful, so POSITIVE, despite what life handed me at different times during that part of my journey.
I have struggled for 5 years with everything… being positive, liking myself, KNOWING myself, caring about my life and my health...and I have had this deep, gnawing, yearning…but I didn’t know for what I was yearning. I was floundering, unable to commit to anything, unable to settle into any of my homes(unable (unwilling?) to unpack everything, unable to let go of all the old stuff (physical and mental) to make room for new…living in what amounted to a storage place  instead of a home)and I didn’t know why. Reading this blog brought it into my conscious mind in a very jarring burst of understanding.

I miss the pre cancer me and I will never be that person again. That breaks my heart!  As it turns out, I’m not so crazy about the post cancer me. I need to make clear one thing…despite everything I feel I have become, I am deeply, profoundly grateful for being healed! I do have gratitude for the blessings that I now I have. I have just lost the ability somehow to carry that over…no…that doesn’t sound right…to utilize it…no…maybe…to create the me I know I can be.  I have been told I am strong, loving, positive person; but to me, it is all an outwardly manifestation…I have not internalized it. I have not believed it…I used to know it, feel it…down to the deepest part of me. Not anymore.

It comes down to figuring out how to integrate the BC (before cancer) me with the me I am today. I want to be the Happy, Optimistic, Outgoing, Sociable, Healthy, Giving, Generous, Loving, Positive, Hopeful person I used to be. I want to feel that strength I know I possess to have survived what I have gone through. I want to welcome and encourage change like I used to do. I DON’T want to waste any more time! 5 years is quite enough time to have wasted.

On the up side (and there is always an upside!)…I truly believe that the Universe has directed me to my new home and roommates. Sandy and I are very much on the same page in many areas of our lives, so we can root for each other, encourage and commiserate with each other. We are also different enough in the other areas to give insight we might not have had otherwise. Her mother is a challenge and I know she is part of my life in order to see and work on the parts of me which are in danger of becoming like the parts of her that drive me crazy! Additionally, in living with her I see how I do not want to become as I grow older, and most importantly, what need to develop the compassion and understanding I need as well to live with her comfortably.
This is HUGE! I have the opportunity to make the course correction in my life I so desperately need.  I am watching less TV, making strides in the financial areas of my life. I am spending more contemplative time, feeling the desire to meditate again, start taking care of myself again, get back in touch with and work on the development of my spiritual self that has been quietly with me, even though I was not aware of it consciously. Even as I write this there is a sense of hope, of quiet excitement…I can almost feel my heart opening up…

If all works out…no! no! no! To put it in the positive manifesting vernacular… I am buying a new car (a real, brand spanking, honest to goodness, never owned before car) the beginning of summer and I will be venturing forth out into the world, taking on challenges, going on adventures, making new friends, no more to be the recluse I have become. I will spend more time in nature, do volunteer work, expand my horizons and continue to create the “me” I wish to be! I will still have the occasional “hermit” times where I learn, rest and grow…but the recluse is going away!

I am in a much better frame of mind now. I have forgotten how much better and often clearer things are once I have put words to “paper.”  I know not everything is going to come together immediately, I am and my life is, as always, a work in progress. However, for the first time a in a VERY long time, I feel hopeful and optimistic. Once again, I will make baby steps and not shy away from things that scare me, make me feel less than I am, or make me feel hopeless…I will face any and all challenges with a smile, hope and determination to become the me I want to be!

Brightest Blessings,


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