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When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen to you: either there will be something solid for you to stand on, or, you will be taught how to fly." (Patrick Overton)

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth! I rather liken myself to the Hermit it the Tarot. On a journey of  self discovery, secluding myself (to an extent) to find my center and search out my truth. 

I can't believe we are more than halfway through this month already! I know it has been a while since I last posted. I had a rough Holiday season, beginning with Thanksgiving and it was with a huge sigh of relief that I welcomed the New Year. I set 3 goals for myself for this year and I have been diligently working on them since I rang in the year. (which is why I have not been online much lately)

My first goal was to delve deeper into and become much more connected  with myself and my spirituality. My spirit has been calling out to me to nurture it and I have (finally) heeded the call. I am so much more centered and grounded since I began. I am much more in touch with who I am now, and who I am becoming, and much to my surprise and delight...I love both! In encourgaing my spirtitual self, I am able to work more diligently on my other two goals, because my base is solid, if that makes any sense at all. I couldn't even begin to focus on anything else if I didn't have my faith to see me through everything.

My second goal is to get healthier. I am pretty healthy already, but I know it can get better. As a result of working on my health, my weight is dropping! While I have set mini goals for myself, my over all goal is to feel great and be able to do the things I want to do without get fatigued. A dear friend introduced me this WONDERFUL site that is is a free diet support site with all the great amenities (and more) of pay sites such as Weight Watchers or E-diets. I joined last Sunday and have a marvelous time on this oh so motivational site. I had lost 5 pounds priot to starting the site, and when I weighed in today, I lost another 5 pounds! I have never been so excited about losing weight before, nor so motivated. My head is finally in the right place and what a difference it makes. I dance 30 minutes almost everyday now, I am eating so healthily and I feel so good!

My last goal is to get more financially secure. I am working on seeting up a plan for myself and while I have been making progress, I still have a long ways to go.

I am happy, healthy and loving life. This is going to be a great year. I can feel it in my heart and soul. Bright Blessings on 2007...it is going to be a wonderful year!

 

Have a wonderful weekend and don't forget to do at least one thing this weekend that brings you joy!

Bright blessings,
Ame

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"Choosing Succulence is a deliberate act of personal revolution. It means waking up! Embracing your true self, studying your patterns and letting out your most alive self . We all have one!
(SARK~ Succulent Wild Woman)

 

I have gotten all my SARK books out and am feasting on them now. They make me smile, laugh, and believe in things that once upon a time, I would never have dreamed. It is a joy*full and wonder*full day!

I have a new haircut, my little car is full of gas, my larder is full of good things to eat, and my little sanctuary is clean, warm, welcoming, & cozy. It is a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I have all my windows open and there is a slight breeze. I can hear leaves falling off the trees, it is a sublime sound.

Today is the 4th anniversary of my divorce and I intend to celebrate. (Not sure how yet, but it is going to happen! *LOL*) This has been such an incredible time in my life. I have said it before and I will say it (I’m sure) again, I am so grateful for my marriage and divorce from Michael. I know without a doubt, I had to go through it! I would not be the person I am or be WHERE I am if I had not had that gift.

I’m not saying it was easy by any stretch of the imagination. There was a great deal of pain, confusion, despair and at times feelings of complete hopelessness. However, not only did I survive, I THRIVED!

My life now is not perfect! I have a few problems and dilemmas with which I am dealing, but I am happier now than I have ever been and that is extraordinary  gift. I have such abundance in my life (again, which has nothing whatsoever to do with money). My heart is full, I have what seems to be a perpetual smile on my face, and I am at peace.

I bought my turkey last night…HUZZAH! I am starting my own tradition this year. I am going to have my very own Thanksgiving. Last year was my very first Thanksgiving all alone and it was horrible. Not t mention my oven died about an hour after putting the turkey in. THIS year, now that I have the first one over, I am ready to celebrate! I can fix all my favourite dishes, watch what I want, listen to what I want ….heck I may even treat myself to a movie(I really want to see Déjà Vu). I have so much to be thankful for this year!

Next weekend I will be decorating for Christmas and begin my baking. I have not done any holiday baking in years and I am just itching to get started!

Well, time to decide what to do to celebrate today. Have a marvellous weekend. Be sure to do at least one thing that makes you happy and brings you joy.

Love, Light and Laughter,
Ame

 

 

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"Our mental attitude is the X factor that determines our fate."
Dale Carnegie

What an absolutely beautiful evening. The darkness attempts to embrace me as I enjoy the flickering of the candles around my sanctuary. All my water fountains calm me with the soothing cadence of the water over the rocks. I am listening to this wonderful station on Live365 called Gentle Sounds~New Age which perfectly complements the calm, joy*full and peace*full aura that surrounds me this evening.

I know not why I have been blessed with this glowing, deep-seated, joyous feeling over the past four days, but I am grateful to the very center of my being for this blessing. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened. It has been quite mundane as a matter of fact, with the exception of spending some time with my ent. Indeed, given a couple of circumstances in my life at the moment, one might think I would be hanging by a slender, pure silver, slightly frazzled, ethereal thread and by virtue of that fact would be worried and frantic. Much to my delight, I am not!

I choose not too look to closely at this wondrous state of serenity and joy. I embrace it, accept it, revel in it, and thank the Lord and Lady for it from the very core of my heart. I have always tried to find little pockets of joy in everyday. I look at it as a treasure hunt, and I am never disappointed (even if I only find one little pocket). However, never has it just burst over me like a fresh spring shower, quenching me down to the deepest part of my soul. It is an amazing gift.

My heart is so full of gratitude and joy; it can hardly be contained. When I remember to write in it, I do have a gratitude journal. I had no choice but to write in it this morning! The first thing on my list was being grateful for my wonderful, ordinary life. Pure and simple. The abundance I have in my life, which has nothing whatsoever to do with money. The difficult times in my life which makes times like this so much richer and deeply joy*full. My home, my family, my ent, my job, my dear friends, autumn…the approaching holidays…so, so many things!

My ent came to visit me on Halloween, stayed for not quite two weeks, then flew to Hawaii and his new home for the next three years. It is always a joy to have him stay with me. He warms my heart and makes me feel loved, accepted and cherished. I am grateful I have such a dear, precious friend that loves me for who and what I am. I was on vacation last week to spend time with him and his visit came to an end all too quickly.

Friday was a very lazy day. I indulged myself with watching a few of the old soaps I used to watch. *grins* I am pleased to say that I was able to not succumb to the temptation of getting involved with them again (especially in light of the fact that they have apparently brought back some popular couples from when I used to be caught up in the soaps.) Yea me! *LOL* I puttered about my sanctuary enjoying the fresh fragrant breeze that teased me through my open windows as I worked. I reveled in the cool weather. I LOVE autumn; which may be a wee part of the reason why I am so alive and jazzed at this time). I suddenly found ideas forming and floating around my head about possibly rearranging my small living room, but put them to bed as it was late and I was pleasantly tired.

Saturday night I had a lovely dinner with some girlfriends, to celebrate one of their birthdays. I am afraid I have rather become a hermit in the last few months for assorted reasons, so it is so wonderful to go out and socialize with friends. It was heartwarming and soul satisfying. I returned home in time to settle down all comfy on my couch for my weekly dose of Brit Coms on my PBS station. My three favourites are “As Time Goes By,” “The Vicar of Dibley” and “Keeping up Appearances.”

Sunday began with my weekly laundry (Oh, I do love the smell of freshly washed clothes! I love to hold freshly dried towels to my face and just inhale. *grins*) I settled down after lunch to watch the latest “Harry Potter” movie again and fell asleep not quite half way through it. Which is not to say it was a boring movie; it is quite thrilling actually and I loved it! I apparently was just strongly in need of a nap! It was a loverly nap for a Sunday afternoon. It took me a while to wake up, but as I was re-entering consciousness, the ideas from Friday night once more took flight in my brain and I knew I had to attempt to do something different to my little abode.

After careful consideration, I began my task about 6:00 pm. It was soon apparent that what I had in mind would NOT work, but decided to think outside the box and much to my amazement and delight, I ended up with a living room I am most comfortable in and at the risk of repeating myself, take a great delight in occupying. I finished about 10:00 and sat on my couch basking in the new feeling of contentment and joy in my small but oh so warm and welcoming living space.

I took a long hot shower and climbed into my wonderful and welcoming bed with soft, clean, fragrant sheets. I talked for a time with my ent, then snuggled down for good read. I had a difficult time falling asleep, as my right leg was restless and wouldn’t settle down. I found myself having to keep it moving and it was most distracting! I finally found a position that seemed to help and finally fell asleep.

What an absolutely wonderful day I had today! I got up a half hour earlier than I normally do...in fact I am going to work on getting up an hour earlier or more, so that perhaps I can begin to practice meditation and work on my spiritual self. I have been sorely neglecting my spiritual life and one of the lovely results of this deep wondrous feeling is to focus on my inner life as much as I do my outer life. In any event, I had a leisurely breakfast, perused Beliefnet .com and found some wonderful articles to set me on my path of learning and growing. Got dressed and had all my things gathered with time to spare.

It was my first day back to work and I couldn’t wait to get there. I was in this totally awesome place and knew that no matter what I might face at work, I would handle it with a smile. I learned a long time ago that Mondays are all about the attitude with which you begin the day. I fall victim often times to allowing other people’s attitudes colour my own and that attitude ruins the day be it Monday or Friday! With one small exception, this day rocked! I was busy, but in control. I was cheerful and upbeat and it showed in utterly everything I did today.

Tonight I have spent reflecting on my day, journaling and giving thanks for everything in my life. Next on the agenda is a bite of dinner, some studying and meditation, my one show on Monday nights I have to watch (I am only human, you know) then bed, book and sleep. The perfect ending to an almost perfect day!

Love, Light, and Laughter,
Ame

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What Renaissance Performer are you?

You are a Wench! Life has blessed you with ample talents and the comfort to flaunt them! True, some women may find your demeanor insulting, but who cares when the men pay so much attention to your Natural Endowment of the Arts? Your problem is less getting men to pay attention to you and more getting rid of those you don't want!
Take this quiz!

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How to make a Amethyst
Ingredients:
5 parts intelligence
5 parts silliness
1 part joy
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little lovability if desired!

A Story

Sep. 10th, 2006 04:40 pm
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I got this off  of a site I belong to and it hit a deep chord. I wanted to share it:

 

 

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.

"Well, Tom , it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's' "dance recital" he continued. "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities."

And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years. "Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom , I'm getting to the important part.

It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays." "I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear."

"Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities
straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."

"It was nice to meet you Tom , I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 year old man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles...

A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend.


And so, as one smart bear once said..."If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh.

*Hugssss*

Ame

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There is something so.......freeing....so....full of possibilies...about having a full tank of gas. I could just up and go on an adventure if I were so inclined. *smiles* Head for lands unknown....meeting new friends, discovering new things...oh...I DO like that idea. Too bad I have to go to work on Monday. *sighs* Perhaps, one day I will just pack everything up on a whim {now don't laugh, those of you who know me and my proclivity for erm..."Stuff"....it COULD happen....with ...enough notice...*giggles*}

It is a lovely evening out! I have my windows open and it is actually.......almost.......... cool {ish}. I DO love this time of year!

 Well, almost anyway...wish*full thinking!

Brightest Blessings,
ame

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I finally fell into to bed at 2 am and all the while my thoughts chased around my brain like a dog chasing her tail. After a few hours of sleep, the train of thought continues, which leads me to believe that I am on the the verge of another mile post on my journey.

Having pondered the questions of my blog early this morning, I have come to a couple of conclusions. No matter who I am with, on-line or in person…I am pretty much the same. A lot of people I know have a "work" persona and a different persona when on their own time. It amazes me how different they are. The same with some people I have met after knowing them on line. Two entirely different people...night and day. I am the same at work, on line or in any other situation. I am a bit more professional at work, but I am essentially the same.

I came to the conclusion a long time ago, that I am a non-conformist. I never fit my family's idea of who or what I should be. {I refer to my mama calling me her "special" child, because I was so different from other kids my age!}

This point was brought home to me not too long ago, as I decided to re-read a book my sister gave me on my 40th birthday. It is called "Dealing with Dragons" and it is actually a young adult book.

It concerns a Princess who is not typical. She does not look like a "proper" princess, she is pretty yes, but has almost black hair and is very tall. (In this book, proper princesses have golden hair and are small and delicate!) She wants to learn magic, fencing, cooking and Latin, things no self-respecting "proper" princess would want to learn. She doesn't want to marry a prince just because it is "proper" so she runs away!

She voluntarily becomes a Dragon's Princess and actually saves the day during the course of the book.(Most princesses are caught by dragons and forced to be their princesses until a knight or prince rescues them as is proper!) Not Cimorene, she does not want to be rescued. She does her own thing, so to speak.

The point of this all thing is my sister wrote a note in my book that says:

To my Kimmie, who is so like Princess Cimorene!

She couldn't have paid me a nicer compliment!

Love and Brightest of Blessings from your not so proper
Amethyst

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I'm Amethyst, a 47 year old, happy, healthy BBW who lives in Las Vegas. For those that care, I am 5'8" tall, Rubenesque and loving it, I have short black hair, two different coloured eyes{One brown and one green} and have been told I have a beautiful smile. I work for a radiology center as an administrative assistant and have been there17 years now. I was born and raised in S.California and moved here 20 years again for the 3rd time. How I ended up here in the high desert, when I am a double double water sign (Pisces with a Cancer moon) is so beyond me! *smiles*

Actually, I know I was drawn here to Vegas for a reason. I have gone through what I was meant to go through(which is another story for another day) and now I am waiting not so patiently for my next epiphany as to where I need to be for the next leg of my journey. Until I hear, "Move here!!Move here!! You need to be here now", I will stay here. I do have options, my bestest friend lives in Virginia and is waiting for me to move there; I have a friend up in Oregon who would love for me to move up there with her; and I have yet another friend who will be transferred soon to a new state for his job, which provides me another possible option. As of now, though, nothing has jumped out at me say "HERE...HERE...HERE!!! " So I try, oh so patiently to wait it out. (patience is NOT one of my strong points)

As for who I am, I am a womanchild who is on this most wondrous journey. It has been an adventure the likes of which I would never have dreamed of 12 years ago. I am loving, kind, often fragile, loyal and funny. I am childlike, fun~loving, trusting and free with my affection. I am a dreamer, a believer in magic and the healing power of love, touch and nature. I am a water baby and a tree hugger and an explorer. I love the sound of leaves rustling in the wind and waves breaking on the shore. I am a star gazer and love to lay on my back in the mountains and be dazzled by the star strewn sky. 

I am a tactile person...I love the feel of rough bark on trees when I hug them and the smooth velvety softness of grass when I lie on the earth to ground myself...I love the feel of cool dirt and mud between my toes and the feel of rain upon my skin. I love the caress of a cool breeze through my hair and the warmth of  the new spring sun as it envelopes me. I love to play in the rain, jump in puddles and raise my arms to the sky as I invite the rain to bless and invigorate me. I crave the touch of loved ones as we hug and cuddle and play.

I am a builder of  forts with blankets and card tables. I move to my own rhythm and the music in my head, my heart and my soul. I am a writer, sometimes a poet and a lover of life. I am a goddess, I am a little girl, I am a wench, I am a lady, I am a woman. I am 90% angel (at times) and 90% naughty at others.

I am at times lazy, messy and a procrastinator. I can be moody, somewhat bratty and at odd times selfish.

I am just me.  I like who I am and who I am becoming. I look back and smile in amazement at how far I have come, from the shy, quiet, withdrawn mouse that I was 12 years ago. I cherish  the joy of the journey. I have no idea where the journey will end, it is not that important to me. It is the journey itself that makes my heart sing.

Bright Blessings,
ame

Omigosh!!!

Sep. 7th, 2006 10:07 pm
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I have my windows open and my air conditioner off! It is 73 degrees and smells like rain! Ohhhhhhhhh...autumn is here....*smiles happily*

Now I begin to come out of my summer hibernation. Life...energy... is creeping back in...I LOVE this time of year!

 

Brightest Blessings!
ame

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HUZZAH! It s September....Autumn as far as I am concerned, although the heat continues. It is not as bad as it has been and I am looking forward to the cooler mornings and evenings as we head into my favourite season.

My Ent returned home and we spent this past weekend together. I have missed him so much and our time together was short. He will be transferred to another base in the next month or so and will probably be even farther away from me than he is now.

Two weeks ago I attended another SL party and saw some of my favourite online family again.  Spent time with two very dear friends(Crowe and Uncle David), playing tourist as we visited The Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton {we had our picture taken on the Bridge of the Enterprise...what a treat that was...I kept expecting Captain Picard or Commander Riker to beam in and take us on an adventure} and Caesars Palace via the Bellagio. Uncle David and I danced the night away at the dinner dance and I had my first Cosmopolitan (it was yummy). I played with some of my favourite Toppie type people and didn't get to play with others who were high on my list as time just flew by. I love my SL family dearly and am closer to my "uncles" and "cousins" there than I have ever been to my real life uncles or cousins(Whom I have not seen or talked with for over 30 years).

I have found myself getting restless and anxious again, I can't quite put my finger on why, but it is driving me crazy. I know that I am in need of change on many levels{The changes going on inside are  constant now...and I embrace them with my whole self!}...  but I have no idea what else I want or need to do as yet.

Tomorrow I am getting up early and going to my park....feed the ducks and swans, hug some of my favourite trees and mediatate on what is going on deep inside myself. Then some time at my library, perhaps a nap and a nice dinner.  Isn't it horrible how QUICKLY vacations whoooooooooooosh by? I intend to enjoy the last three days of my time so I can go back to work(UGH) relaxed and refreshed.(Hopefully)

Love, Light and Laughter,
Ame

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Are You Normal?

Your Normalcy Quotient is: 41 out of 100.

Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick

Giddy-up partner. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's a-okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.

Take this free personality test by Clicking Here>> or going to www.chatterbean.com/runormal/

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Happy Friday!

My goodness....for such L-O-N-G and uncomfortably HOT summer it seems to be passing quickly...such a paradox! I can't believe it has been weeks since my last entry. My sense of time is very messed up as I try to wait patiently for my Ent to return home.

Last Friday, I had the honour and privilege of meeting one of my very favourite authors! Laurell K. Hamilton  came to my Library for a Q & A and book signing. I was thrilled to see her, having just bought the latest in her Anita Blake series.(number14 and counting) Being who I am, I vacillated between just sitting back and enjoying her or gathering up my courage in both hands and asking for autograph.It is funny this was even a consideration, as I am not an autograph hound. I get so very shy and tongue tied around celebrities it is a wonder I survived working the Star Trek Conventions for as many years as I did.

She was so funny to listen to as she jumped right in to the Q & A. Her husband Jonathan was there on stage with her and they played off of each other so wonderfully well. I enjoyed him as much as I enjoyed her! Yes, I did get her autograph and even more surprising, I got my picture taken with her! Now THAT was an amazing thing. (When I was married, Michael and I went to Disneyland.  Being the ardent admirer and great fan of Winnie the Pooh that I am...*no comments from the peanut gallery*...Michael decided I needed my picture taken with  Pooh bear...I demurred...arduously...didn't want to bother the Bear...he was busy...he wouldn't want to have his picture taken with me....etc...Michael cajoled, dragged and threatened me until I reluctantly consented.) *sighs* So you can  see that if I was THAT reluctant with Pooh Bear...how very difficult it was to ask...yes I ASKED...to have a picture with Laurell...well, it wasn't so much that I asked as that she saw my camera, looked at me with an unspoken question(as in, "would you like us to have a picture taken together") and I nodded with a very shy smile and question back (as in, "if it is not too much of an imposition, I know you are busy...would you mind?"...etc)

She was very gracious and kind and funny and wonderful and I was very proud of myself for pushing outside of my comfort zone.

Kim and Laurell 

In any event...it was a great night...full of surprises and I am grateful that I had the opportunity to experience it all.

Once again...Happy Friday! Have a wonderful weekend. Be sure to do at least one nice thing for yourself this weekend. You deserve it!

Love, Light, and Laughter,
Ame

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This has been an extraordinary few weeks for me. I decided before my ent left, that I would devote my time while he is away, to doing some inner work. It has been quite the journey these 3 weeks past. I have been working on a few things simultaneously.

I have many issues that seem to be haunting me, things from my past that I cannot seem to let go of with any permanence. Hurts and petty occurrences that pop up, even after I thought I had laid them to rest. I am reading a few books to help me on my journey and they have been most illuminating. Facing issues squarely, taking responsibility for my part in these issues, forgiving all involved(including myself) then releasing it all to the universe. I have actually made progress (Yea me!) and I have a bit to go.

Of course, still working on my own self acceptance and self worth(My ex being one of the issues I need to work on for all the emotional abuse he put me through). I am making progress (of which I am very proud..it has been a long, hard road!)

Part of my inner work has been doing outer work(i.e. cleaning and organizing like I never have before.)I have most of my closets done, my little apartment is just so pretty and cozy. A true sanctuary for me.(I am not dirty, but very messy...I was Oscar to my mama's Felix! )

I have been cleaning and organising at work as well. *smiles* Mostly because I finally moved! HUZZAH!! I had so many years of accumulated paperwork (pack rat that I am), and as I moved from a place with 5 cabinets to a room with NO cabinets, I had a TON of cleaning out to do! I don't throw anything away at work in case some one needs it...I finally realized that if nobody had asked for anything from 1999 - 2004 they weren't going to, so I ditched it all! Boy...what a relief! However, an even BIGGER relief is not having to deal with the she beast any more! I can't tell you what a wonderful day I had today, my first full day in my new office. What a pleasure it was, I just can't tell you!

Another thing I have been dealing with is finances. *chuckles* And who hasn't? It has really cost me several nights sleep and the stress from worrying about them was making me ill again. One night about a week and a half ago, I was wrestling with it again, and all of a sudden, out of absolutely no where, a thought came to me. I have the money for everything I need. Maybe not for what I want, but for what I need. I have enough money to meet my bills and for the couple of little things I allow myself(Like my internet connection and Net flix.) I am very blessed in this respect and as such...I need to bless my finances instead of worrying so much about them. The moment I thought through this idea, I felt as if a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I had THE best night's sleep that I have had in forever and have slept very well ever since.

I told some friends about my epiphany and I got two differing ideas regarding from whence this idea came. One friend said it came from whatever deity I believe in, be it God, Goddess or the Universe. Another dear friend told me that my attitude is shifting as I work through things. I think it is a combination of both. I wasn't asking for help as I was trying to work through it myself, feeling like a dog chasing it's tail....this circular way of thinking wasn't getting me anywhere. Then BOOM! it came out of the blue clear sky,

I had to laugh tonight as I REALLY read a horoscope for myself dated about a month ago, that I have posted on my bulletin board, as it was so very right on this time! It says:

"Why keep pushing yourself so hard, when what you really crave is within? Start working on your sense of self~acceptance before anything else. Move gently. Soon you'll see corresponding shifts in your outward life."

So life has been good lately despite missing my ent so much.With my new view on things, I had what I needed to get my car fixed, so I am mobile again! HUZZAH! It is soo cool not to be stressing over things as much. Not to mention, I am watching less TV, which is not hard as everything is in reruns and I don't have cable. I was able to get to the pool today for some much needed peaceful, quiet, alone time and exercise,(people let their children run crazy at our pool...running, screaming, yelling and jumping. I love children, but I will not go to the pool when there are people there.Therefore I don't go often!) Also, now that I have my little car back, I can go to the park and start walking in the evenings after work. Baby step improvements...in a few important areas. Life really is good!

Love, Light and Laughter!
Ame

Musings

May. 31st, 2006 06:31 am
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This is a bittersweet morning, as I sit here and contemplate this empty page. I have been awake since 4:00 and up since 5:00 which is going to make for a very long day.

I had a really good day yesterday. Most everyone I know was having a difficult time crossing that bridge from holiday Monday to working Tuesday(pseudo-Monday). I had a surprisingly great day! It was made even better, when late in the day I was given the go-ahead to make arrangements to move into my new room at work. No more she beast to contend with in a very short while. (I have SO much cleaning and downsizing to do, I am moving into a considerably smaller area with no cupboards. A daunting task, but I am well up for it...believe me!)

I spent hours on the phone with my ent last night and he called me at 4:00 this morning to say goodbye. He is being deployed this morning and will be gone for 3 months, incommunicado except for rare emails, he just found out he could send from underneath the ocean. I miss him already. I know it sounds silly, but I have saved some of his voice mails on my cell and my answering machine, so I can hear his voice when I feel lonely for him. I have all the stories he has written for me, so I can feel him near me.

It is going to be hard, as we have talked every day and every night for over a year (except during his previous tour from October to January.) I am so happy we had our time in March and look forward to his return in August. We have two weeks planned to spend together and that is what we are both focusing on to get us through this long hot summer.(well, hot for me anyway)

I am going to use this time to do some inner work. Let go of old hurts and relationships, work on my self acceptance and self empowerment. I have set goals and am working on planning rituals and gathering the tools I will need.  I will incorporate  meditating, journaling, exercising and eating healthier, writing stories, crafting, cleaning out and organising my apartment, getting rid of things I do not need, both in my apartment and in my life.

I look back over the last several years and I am amazed at how far I have come, how much I have bloomed and grown. I can feel another blossoming at hand and this time I will have a hand in it. There is so much I want to do and I am so grateful I  have the time to delve and explore and create. How exciting is that!

Now it is time to focus on my day and prepare for it. A clean slate, a new day, ripe with possibilities. I am very blessed!

I wish you for a warm, fulfilling, wonderful day!

Love, Light, and Laughter,
Amethyst

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Well, I became proactive in my life and spoke with my supervisor about the possibility of moving into another room in my office. I don't know how much longer I can keep working with the beast woman. I told her that this persons CONSTANT negativity is poisoning me. I can accept the fact that she talks about me behind my back...I could care less, but she talks about one of the sweetest women I work with as well and other people that she talks with on the phone(One of the girls she ALWAYS makes fun of has a lisp she cannot help...and this beast woman always imitates the lisp so meanly). Often disparagingly, maliciously, ALWAYS negatively. I have known her four years and have never heard her say one nice thing to or about anybody. On the plus side, she was told to be quieter by my supervisor(since HER supervisor is her best friend...so WON'T do anything to reign her in). YES! So it has been a little better these last couple of days.

I can't work in an atmosphere like that any more. I deserve a relatively stress free work environment.( The job itself provides enough stress, thank you very much...and I expect that *LOL*) ANYWAY, I am waiting with bated breath to see if I am worth going to bat for after 17 years of dedicated service. I HATE the idea of having to start over.*Sighs*

On the upside, after last week which was just so horrid, yesterday and today were pretty good! I was actually in a really good place today and am more positive than I have been in a while. I made plans with two very dear friends for girl's day out Saturday. We are going to have brunch and go see "The Da Vinci Code". I am so jazzed. I have rather turned back into the hermit I was last year and I don't want to do that again. I am NOT missing out on my life again darn it! Even IF my car isn't running at this particular time and I don't have the money to fix it.

I am so very much in a SARK mood, I think I will be starting with her first book (again), "Succulent Wild Woman". Time to have a SARK fest and I deserve it! Then I will have my day with my Wild Succulent Friends on Saturday. Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Well, half way through the week...heck, halfway through the month...WOW!Amazing!

Even more amazing( and I guess it shouldn't be, but it is sweetly so)is that my Ent is on the phone for our nightly bedtime chat, so I bid you a fond adieu.

Brightest Blessings,
Ame

 




 

Sunday

May. 7th, 2006 01:25 pm
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It is a lovely day out, though already too warm for my taste. How I have survived 19 years in the high desert (at anywhere from 100-120 degrees during the summer),when I am such a water baby is beyond my ken! (Pisces sun with cancer moon! I am so a fish out of water...*giggles*)

I spoke with my Ent until 2:30 this morning(which explains why I am getting such a late start today. *grins*) I hate to wish my life away, but August (when he returns from sea) seems like an eternity away...and he hasn't even left yet. *pouts*

Just finished my laundry, *ugh*... I may go out for awhile just to get out of my apartment. We'll see.

Brightest Blessings,

Amethyst

Huzzah!

May. 5th, 2006 05:39 pm
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  Happy Weekend everyone!

I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend. Please be sure to do at least one thing that makes you happy and brings you joy.

Bright Blessings,
Amethyst
Kisses




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Yesterday was…………better. I am still trying to think about what I did to make it better, but whatever it was she annoyed me a little less yesterday than she normally does. I made a point after I had finished the mail and before I left the little room where I process the mail, to envision myself surrounded by an egg shaped bubble, pearlescent, I envisioned this protective shield as able to block her {and other negative influences} from me. (I have done this before and it almost always seems to work! I just got to a point whilst I was not feeling well, where I didn’t do it and boy do I notice a difference when I don’t). I was able to ignore her for the most part and my attitude was much better yesterday(with a couple of small exceptions). It is something I will continue to do until I can figure out something else.

It was a mixed day today. I did not feel well the first part of my day and I am thinking perhaps I need to see that specialist after all. I will give it the weekend and then see how I am feeling Monday. I tried really hard today, but I think perhaps because I was not feeling well, she got on my nerves even more than normal (If that is at ALL possible). After eating lunch I felt immeasurably better and the rest of the afternoon passed much more quickly and a wee bit more pleasantly than the morning and early afternoon did. ( I was running very late this morning and had donuts, juice and milk for breakfast. I didn’t start feeling better until I had some protein for lunch…a coincidence? I’m not sure, mayhaps so.)

My favourite doctor gave me the cutest card today as well as the most beautiful gift, as a thank you for some work I did for him over the last couple of weeks. I actually cried. The gift is a hand woven wool and mohair throw in soft pinks and purples, from Ireland. {He knows it is my heart's dream to visit ...if not live in Ireland/Scotland}I was just stunned when I opened the gift and so much more than I ever expected let alone really deserve. I am always happy to help him! However, it is a nice change to be appreciated for helping instead of fussed at or worse yelled at for doing my job. He is such a joy to work with. This last prohject was a big project, but one I enjoyed and he did not have to do what he did, but I am tickled that he didI wish the other 15 doctors I deal with would understand that they would get a lot more our of me willingly if they smiled and said please and thank you. AND if they would not take it out on me when I give them something they DO NOT want to do… Like calling other doctors. We are a referral based radiology center, which means that we essentially work for the doctors that refer their patients here for diagnostic testing. If there is a question on a report, they call to speak with the doctor that read that particular film. I, being the “Physician Liaison”, have the unfortunate position of connecting the outside doctors to my doctors. Unfortunately, my doctors HATE talking to other doctors(okay, not ALL my doctors, but better than half will fuss at me and sometime get downright nasty when I give them the report and phone number to return the call). (shrugs* Oh well, all ijna days work I suppose. *smiles*

Ona a more personal note, My Ent and I continue to draw closer, day by day and it seems an eternity before I get to touch him again. *smiles* We talk every night and when he is late calling, I feel bereft. I don’t mean that because I’m a jealous or suspicious person; that is so not me…I know he has a life away from us as do I, and I encourage him to go out with his friends and attend parties, but our nightly calls have become so deeply-rooted in my bedtime ritual, that I can’t sleep until I hear his voice, even if only for just a few moments. I discovered that he feels as I do, when on Monday night he called me after midnight after an extra long, extra arduous day, because he couldn’t sleep until he heard my voice. I was so profoundly touched when he told me that.

I have never felt so wanted, so needed……..so ……….loved…. by anyone in my whole life. It is so different than what I shared with my ex-husband. My Ent shares all of himself with me, my ex never did. Perhaps that was a result of the alcoholism. *shrugs*  All I know, is when he leaves me little love notes on my cell phone and writes stories for me, leaves me loving messages off line and calls me as I am going to bed, I feel cherished and that is a loverly feeling.

Brightest of  Blessings,
Amethyst

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Well, I promised I would try and keep a record of my experiences on my journey. Little did I realise that my first lesson would be today and I have no idea how I am going to figure this out.

 This morning I did a ten minute meditation which left me refreshed, happy and ready to face the day. I was in such a good mood.(Anyone knowing me knows that I have a horrible time with meditating, I can never calm my mind enough. I think I finally found one to start with until I can learn control and I was thrilled with how I felt afterwards.) Anyway, I got to work and I was all smiles. I knew I would face a challenge with the one person in my area that can upset me with just the sound of her voice. But I thought I was in such a good place and was keeping in mind the feelings I encountered during my meditation, that I could just tune her out. *HA*

The person I have problems with was in rare form today. I have always gotten along with most everyone I have ever met. Not everyone of course, but darn near everyone. There are very few people I can name in my lifetime that I just don’t like. This person is at the top of the list. While I don’t hate her, the word despise comes to mind. She is the most self-centered, selfish, self righteous, loud, rude, obnoxious person I have ever had the misfortune to HAVE to work with in one room. She cares for no one but herself, she is THE single most unprofessional person I have ever worked with. There have been a couple of times that she should have been fired over the way she spoke/dealt with patients and doctors, but for some reason, they always let her off with a warning. There are at least two other people in the area that we share that have as hard a time with her as I do. I spend the better part of my day under my headphones, but I can't turn the music up loud enough to drown her out without damaging my poor sensitive hearing.

It is worse when she sits on my side of the room (As she is this week), as she feels she can sit and chat all day(and she has no volume control, her only level is LOUD). At least on the other side of the room, with the room divider between us, I can somewhat tune her out.

Well anyway, she started in pretty much as soon as I walked in the door and I valiantly worked at tuning her out and concentrating on all the beauty of the day and all my other friends and just doing my work. But she eventually broke through my hard won wall and I was frustrated, furious and just downright put out with her. It came to me in the midst of my fuming to myself, that she is a lesson I need. I have been studying the idea that I have control over how I react to a situation or person. That my thoughts create my reality. I understand that and have had a great deal of success in the past few months with changing my circumstances by changing my thought patterns. She is the one obstacle in my studies and applications. I get angry when hers is the first voice I hear when I walk in the door in the morning, because her voice is just that loud.By the time she leaves in the afternoon, my nerves are stretched as tight as a string on guitar.

So, apparently my homework is this....how do I change my perception of this person. How do I get to the point where her overall obnoxiousness doesn't bother me anymore. How do I learn to ignore her no matter what her decibel or obnoxiousness level? How do I maintain my own circle of happiness(I know I control that) and my tranquility without bowing to her every attempt(conscious or not) to be the center of attention and the end all and be all of our room. Such is my conundrum.

Overall, I am in a good place...I look forward to the answers and will apply them as soon as I find them or they find me.

Bright Blessings,
Amethyst 

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Happy Mayday! Happy Beltane! Another month begins as time glides by at an ever more frighteningly swift pace. The only GOOD thing about that is, maybe the 3 months my Ent is at sea will go more quickly (of course we all know that the exact opposite will occur and this will be THE LONGEST summer on record). With the next Shadow Lane party in August and my two week (hopefully) vacation to see my Ent in September (if all the stars and planets align in our favour) I have plenty to look forward to in the early Autumn.

I am feeling somewhat better now. The pain has lessened and I can actually draw a deep breath without having to sneak up n it. I have given up on doctors (for the time being) as they have not been able to determine what exactly is causing the pain in my side. I owe so much money due to the all the tests,I don't even want to pay the 15 dollars to see the specialist.  I am try some homeopathic remedies and had a reiki treatment on Saturday, both of which seem to be helping. I have an understanding of how my chakras are working(or in this case the couple that aren't) and know what I need to do to get them in working order. That should help with all sorts of things. *grins*

I also found out my third eye is closed and that there is a reason for that happening. I need to learn to know myself and the Goddess within before I can find her without. This is a totally daunting task, but knowing this explains so much I could never figure out. I have always been hesitant and fearful of discovering the real me...I know that much of what I know of myself is real, but so much more is  a facade I have put up over the years...from all the hurt and loneliness, even the the self abuse I commit, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I have talked with friends, as I am at a loss as to just what I need to do in order to get to know myself and ultimately love myself. We discussed journaling, meditating, really listening to and not running from my inner self, reading, and more reiki treatments. A new adventure as I purposefully settle down to explore and excavate the REAL me. I am scared yet exhilarated, shy yet determined. One of my dear friends that I have discussed this with told me that I would learn to love me as much as she does. She apparently sees more than I do and has seen the real me...I wonder where I was? *LOL*

In any event, I am going to work on keeping a more faithful journal of my journey. This is another beginning. As I take time to journey inwards I am also journeying outward, reconnecting with old and dear friends I have missed. Hey,  who knows, hopefully I'll connect with a new and dear friend, myself.

Bright Blessings,
Amethyst

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