amethyststar | Recent Entries

Today is the first day of my mini vacation. And what a wonderful day it is! It is cold, windy, and rainy outside...I am snuggled up in my favorite sweatpants and very favorite Winnie the Pooh Sweatshirt.

Last night I turned off my alarm and managed to sleep in until 5:00. Considering I am usually up at 2:00, this was something! I have my fairy lights on as well as my salt lamp. I had a lovely breakfast of oatmeal and a mocha latte. I have Yanni playing softly in the background and I am so content, happy, and at peace. Today I rest, relax, explore all my options, meditate, nap and just be. No plans, no agenda, no "must do or should do. "

I have felt a huge shift coming for several weeks and the fact that it is coinciding with my birthday seems to me, to be more than coincidental. I am so much more the "me" I thought I lost 7 years ago. I am more positive, happy, excited, and determined. Work is going better since the shift began and I am more aware of all the blessings in my life. It feels as if I am in a perpetual state of gratitude and it feels so good! (Note: I have always counted my blessings and tried to live in an attitude of gratitude, but in the past, it was sometimes difficult to keep it on the front burner)

I have felt the need to actually make goals and plans for the coming year...to physically, mentally, and emotionally commit to these goals. I have also noticed that I am not as inclined to spend hours watching TV and I am spending a little less time online as well.

Tomorrow is my New Year's Eve and I am happily looking forward it. Depending on the weather I may go out and about tomorrow (we are expecting rain all day tomorrow as well), if not I will work some more on my goals, plans and dreams, and watch a little TV.(key word "Little." *LOL*)

So my goals in a nutshell:

Devote myself to developing my Spirituality

Obtain a certified copy of my birthday certificate and finally get my passport

Get healthy...I mean Really. Get . Healthy!

Declutter and organize...I need to clear out the stagnant and useless energy of stuff that no longer serves me! Next time I move, I want it to be (relatively) painless

HAVE FUN!!!!

Find a volunteer opportunity that sings to my heart and soul!

I am so excited about this year. This weekend is going to be a fabulous beginning. Once I have put pen to paper and written out my goal and the steps I need to take to fulfil them, Sunday (depending on the rain) or more likely, Monday I will make my yearly birthday visit to the Goddess Temple and dedicate myself to living my life and working towards fulfillment of my goals, so that next year at this time, I can look back with joy and gratitude for the wonderful year I had, however it works out.

In between all this life planning stuff...I think I am going to see the Titanic exhibit at the Luxor, maybe take in a couple of movies and treat myself to a birthday brunch...or maybe dinner at my favorite Irish Pub. Whatever I end up doing, I know this is going to be a magical weekend and I am very much looking forward to what it has in store!

Current Mood: giddy
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Yanni
Crossposts: http://amethyststar.livejournal.com/41683.html

CELEBRATE LIFE!

1. LIVE my life! (“May you live every day of your life.” Jonathan Swift)

2. Participate in Co-Creating my life

3. Manifest my love for my family & friends in creative ways

4. Maintain an Attitude of Gratitude

5. Simplify my life (Get organized to live better)

6. Eat healthier

7. Exercise 10 minutes every day (add minutes as feel better)

8. Explore my spirituality and divinity (Learn to meditate, keep gratitude journal, incorporate rituals into my life...)

9. Learn Yoga

10. Become more proficient at crocheting

11. PLAY

12. Create two sewing projects to get back in the swing of things

13. Study the art of letter writing (not letter typing! *LOL*)

14. Keep a journal

15. Find an opportunity to volunteer (Candlelighters...American Cancer Society?)

Current Mood: grateful
Crossposts: http://amethyststar.livejournal.com/41471.html

I joined Dreamwidth yesterday. I discovered this when I was on Livejournal. I decided to come over and look it over. I came… I liked… I joined! I imported my journal from LJ. It has been almost a year and ½ since my last entry. I used to journal all the time and I found that it helped keep centered and grounded. I’ve been feeling the need to start journaling again, not only to keep the balanced, but to keep me accountable.

So, as today is the first day of a brand-new year, I guess this is as a good day to start as any! *Grins* I spent the last several days working on my dreams and goals. There are things I really need to work on and this is the year it is going to happen! I will be back later to set them down in writing, but I need to get them straight and coherent in my mind.

But for now, to build on my introduction on my profile, I’m happily divorced and a survivor of ovarian cancer which has changed me in ways I would never have dreamed of. I was born in California and I have lived in Las Vegas for soon to be 30 years (The third and longest time I have lived here) Being a double water sign, how I have lasted this long in the high desert is beyond my ken. I’m earthy, but very definitely a Pisces…and interesting juxtaposition.

I am a womanchild who is on this most wondrous journey. It has been an adventure the likes of which I would never have dreamed of 21 years ago. To be honest, I can, at times, be selfish, petty, lazy and a procrastinator. I am more often loving, kind, often fragile, loyal and funny. Also childlike, fun~loving, trusting and free with my affection. I am a dreamer, a believer in magic and the healing power of love, touch, and nature. I am a water baby and a tree hugger and an explorer. I love the sound of leaves rustling in the wind and waves breaking on the shore. I am a star gazer and love to lay on my back in the mountains and be dazzled by the star strewn sky.

I am a tactile person...I love the feel of rough bark on trees when I hug them and the smooth velvety softness of grass when I lie on the earth to ground myself...I love the feel of cool dirt and mud between my toes and the feel of rain on my skin. I love the caress of a cool breeze through my hair and the warmth of the new spring sun as it envelopes me. I love to play in the rain, jump in puddles and raise my arms to the sky as I invite the rain to bless and invigorate me. I crave the touch of loved ones as we hug and cuddle and play.

I am a builder of forts with blankets and card tables. I move to my own rhythm and the music in my head, my heart and my soul. I am a Rennie and a Trekkie...I am, when the muse visits me, a writer, sometimes a poet, and always a lover of life. I am a goddess, a little girl, a wench.

I am just me. I like who I am (most of the time) and who I am becoming. I cherish the joy of the journey. I have no idea where the journey will end, it is not that important to me. It is the journey itself that makes my heart sing.

So, Happy New Year! May this be the start of a productive, abundant, exciting, adventure filled, love filled, joyful year! Make it so!

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Jimmy Buffett

Okay...I'm doing SO much better! I had a great week and I've had a lovely weekend! I am making progress and feeling more and more like the me I knew and loved...only different...good different. I have been working on releasing a lot f the past and for the most I have been doing well. I have one stubborn area, and I don't know how I am going to ever come to a place of peace about it. However, I will continue to do what I need to do to put it to rest. Maybe I'll address it in another posting, but I'm not dwelling on it right now.

In the meantime, my frame of mind has drastically improved. I am feeling more positive and excited about who I am and my life in general. I have so much to look forward to in the coming months. Getting out with friends is huge and I'm pretty sure part of my despondency was being a hermit...again! However...new car in a couple of months will surely help!

Next weekend is our annual Highland games. I'm going with a friend and so looking forward to seeing some lovely men in kilts! *Grins* One of my favorite groups, "The Wicked Tinkers" are going to be there as well as some of my faire family. The weekend after that is WizardCon and in June a(very small) Comic Con type con is coming and John Barrowman is going to be there...I love John! (he was in Doctor Who, Torchwood, Arrow and other things...luv him muchly!) Then July...fairly quiet unless I take a trip in my new car *Wheeeeeee*...then August and Star Trek convention, September and huge party with on line family over Labor day weekend...October Faire..Huzzah..then the holidays! Wowza!

I'm eating much better and as soon as my knees heal a bit more, I will start exercising again. I have maintained my weight for over a month and I'm looking forward to really losing weight. Losing weight so I am healthy, have the energy to do what I so long to do, go the places I dream of going and living the life I truly, deep, down, dream of in my heart of hearts.

For now I am doing what I can to continue to make positive changes in my life. I've lightened my hair to a medium brown and and will let it grow out again. (it's a small thing, but I like it!) I'm meditating, journaling, setting goals, mapping out the vision of my life as I want to be, and working on a vision board. I'm focusing a lot on my spirituality, which I have neglected greatly. I'm reading and studying new things, including learning how to speak Irish Gaelic! In essence I am working on my physical self, my mental self and my spiritual self.

I know there will be ups and downs, however, I am building up my arsenal of tools, inspiration and knowledge to get me through it all! I can do it and I will do it!

Current Mood: excited

Well, last week started with bang and ended with a whimper (and some tears). I tripped on the way from the car to the office…2 bruised (to the bone) knees, scrapped up elbow and bruised palm. Honest to goodness, no wonder my knees are so fracked up…I’ve been a klutz since I was a kid. I have to admit, I was a little panicked, as the last time I fell similar to this fall, I found out I had cancer. It didn’t last long, reason (such as it is) asserted itself. So, I think I will be doing “Walk away the pounds” in the safety of my room in lieu of exercise walking where I can really hurt myself! *LOL* As soon as I get my car in a couple of months (Squeeeeeee!), I will find a water aerobics class…so much easier on my knees.

On a different note, accident aside…I am having a really hard time with getting/staying positive. I don’t know what to do to. I’m less and less motivated, in a lot of areas…the want is there…a wee bit of desire…but that drive, that… need… is eluding me somehow. I HATE this! It is so not how I used to be…How do I get that back? I’m floundering here…I have tried faking it in hopes of making it…I have moments….but keeping what little true positivity I have is almost impossible. If I didn’t know better (and I do) I’d swear I was a weird sort of bi polar….*LOL*

I’m not depressed. I’m happy at home, I enjoy work…I love my friends and family…I do know once I get my car, life will be easier in a lot of respects…it’s not a cure all….but it will help. I look forward to getting more involved in many things and I know that will add more depth and dimension to my life. In finding new adventures and meeting new people, perhaps I shall find my purpose. But I have to find my positivity and my inner sunshine again. I miss me….

Current Mood: frustrated

I actually lost weight! 2 pounds from the last time I weighed myself! I guessed all the movement fro lifting, moving and cleaning would help...little did I know! (or did I...) I'm still not where my last official recorded weight was... I need 7 pounds to get there.

I am within 24 pounds of my first major goal... breaking 300 pounds. I have set my goal date for May 31st to be at 299. My Fitness goals are set. My nutrition goals, I am working on. Honestly though? I need to get my tush in gear! I believe that moving, more than anything else, will be the biggest factor in meeting my goal.

I'm hoping being more accountable in my blog will give me the extra kick I need. I talk a good talk! *LOL* Heaven knows I KNOW what to do! It is time to stop talking and start doing!

I woke up in this fantastic mood today and I am jazzed at all aspects of my life at the moment. Restarting Spark Coach was the best thing I could do! I encourage anyone who needs a little more support and accountability to look into it. It is a fabulous asset in the goal to get healthy!

I had breakfast outside on the patio, enjoying the beautiful Spring morning. I LOVE having a backyard with a covered patio. We have this gorgeous old mulberry tree with a bench encircling it. I adore that tree! It is huge and the leaves are coming in. We will have beautiful shade soon! We have birds that sit and sing all day long. The mornings are still cool and I leave my window open and the ceiling fan going, so my room stays fairly comfortable once the day heats up.

Anyway, here is to a productive 2 months! I'm looking forward to this first, actual, dedicated leg of this journey. The past is the past. I have lessons I have learned, both what works and what doesn't. The future is ahead of me...I will have more lessons on this ride and I meet this adventure with my heart and arms wide open. However, I focus on today only...live in the now with mindfulness and joy! It is after all, the joy of the journey that makes my heart sing!

Current Mood: giddy
Current Location: My sanctuary
Current Music: Birdsong outside my window

I can't believe my vacation is almost over already! I spent this morning getting my little corner of the garage all organized and tidy, then spent the better part of the rest of the day trying to reorganize my room after shifting stuff out of my closet into the garage. I'm very glad I have tomorrow to finish up...start my week back at work stress free. Over all a good vacation. Finishing up the last of my laundry, dinner is done and now I can relax...

I started Spark Coach again yesterday, I am determined once again to do succeed this time around. I'm logging my food, what exercise I have started, reading all my articles...doing all I should do...want to do... to make progress. While I have eaten "correctly" this weekend, The early part of my vacation I did not...and I am okay with that. Tomorrow I will "officially" weigh in knowing I will be heavier than the last time I weighed in. (although with all the lifting, moving, and cleaning I have done these past few days, one never knows.) Again, It's okay, It is all part of the journey! Life is good!

Current Mood: productive

Over all it's been a good vacation. Saturday through Monday I was not at home from morn til evening. I saw two great movies and spent quality time in my two favorite parks . My visit to the Goddess Temple was marvelous as usual, although for the first time there were people out there, a group who came out for a week to do some upkeep. It was a...hard...to feel completely free to do what I normally do, knowing there were people close by. They weren't in the way and I know logically they weren't paying any attention to me, but it was still...odd.

I went on a scenic drive up to Mt. Charleston. There was still snow in spots, but there were sporadic signs of Spring. I took the car back on Tuesday morning instead of Tuesday evening. I decided against Fremont Street as I had to dole out money, I had other wise tagged for vacation. It has taken me a couple of days to work through the resentment, but I am better now. Actually it is just as well, I suppose that I didn't run around on Tuesday. Going non stop for three whole days wore me out. Once I got home, I pretty much crashed! I had a ridiculously long nap and still managed to sleep that night.

Yesterday was a quiet day, studying and reading...holed up in my sanctuary. I didn't see any of my house mates all day or evening. It was sublime! I spent this morning organizing my stuff in the garage and now I have more stuff in my room (Stuff I was looking for!) that needs to be organized and put away. Now I am relaxing...watching a "Bones" marathon. The rest of my time off should be relaxing. I am working on goals for my new year...physical, mental and spiritual. I am looking forward to tomorrow, Spring Equinox, Ostara, a Super Moon and solar eclipse. Tomorrow is going to be stupendous!

Time for lunch and some sorting of "stuff." I really want the next 4 days to slow way down.

Current Mood: peaceful

It is magnificent morning! I slept in until 5:00 today and got some walking in. I had a bite to eat while I was out and as I was eating, the sun rose over the horizon and the song "Ooh Ooh Child" started. It was a sign for me...and I started crying. I have been working really hard on my spirit...my self esteem, my way of thinking (kicking the negativity to the curb), thinking about what I want to be when I grow up (I really have no idea what my purpose here on earth is and that is just so frustrating), thinking on what I want to accomplish this year and what goals to set and how to my mindset there too. This was confirmation to me that I am heading in the right direction!

When I got back from my walk, Lil Bit asked me to walk her to school...I love being an aunt! Now I'm listening to the breeze rustle the leaves and the birds singing...Yes, I know I mention this a lot, but it just fills me up with such joy! I will take another walk a bit later, just to get out of the house. I may even take a nap!

Tomorrow I am renting a car for 4 days and can't wait! Meeting up with friends I haven't seen in over 7 years tomorrow, I'm so jazzed! Sunday I am going exploring on this side of town...I have been here almost 4 months and don't know much about the area beyond about 2 blocks. I'm going to see a movie (don't know what yet), visit some of my favorite haunts I haven't been to in forever!

Monday I am going out to the Goddess Temple for my yearly birthday visit only a month late. Then I am going to head up to Mount Charleston or maybe Red Rock and Bonnie Springs...not sure yet...as long as I am outside! Tuesday is St. Patrick's day and I will be on Fremont Street! Listen to some great music, have a Guinness and my favorite thing..people watch! Yup! That is going to be an experience.

The car goes back Tuesday night and the rest of the week will be focused on setting my goals, getting into a fitness routine, spiritual routine, watch some movie and favorite TV show marathons...I'll be out walking a lot that week as well. I refuse to be tied to the house and "Miss Negativity" for 5 days! This is going to be a nurturing vacation and I am embracing it with arms, heart and spirit wide open!

Current Mood: excited

I just had a nice, long, hot shower...envisioning all my frustration, anger, negativity, and other ugly stuff going down the drain. For the most part this has been a great week! I'm finally adjusting to this dreadful time change, I am back in full swing here at SP! I got my new syncpoint all synced up to my Spark Activity Tracker and my computer, so I can log my activity. WooHoo! (Oh! A big shout out to Coach Denise and her help with my tracker issue. She rocks!) I am within my calorie range, I have started walking again and I am gearing up to add strength training and yoga to my activities. I start every morning with my affirmations, visualizations (gearing up for meditations next week), revving myself up for each new day.

Ife is pretty good and I am feeling wonderful! I am by nature an optimistic, find the good in every situation, positive, upbeat human bean. Yes, I lost it for a space of time, but it has been coming back in leaps and bounds. However, I am being sorely tested, on two fronts.

I mentioned my roommate's mother a couple of blogs ago. When she is in a good mood, she is fairly tolerable...but more often than not, she is a bitter, exceptionally negative old woman with a martyr complex. She is ill tempered and yells...a lot. (Yes, I do take in to consideration everything she has gone through and the fact that she is 70) She is a fabulous example of how I do NOT want to age. I pretty much live in my room because of the tension and overt negativity in the house. My roomie does her best to counteract it, but things get pretty tense. I love my room…my sanctuary, my hideaway…I can stay in here for hours at a time and be at peace. I can shut out the negativity and focus on all the positive in my life. Work on my dreams, listen to my music, get lost in a book, watch what I want on TV, very soon do my yoga and exercising too.

The other problem I am having is with some people at work who do nothing but talk, sing, laugh, and yell across the call center…all of it LOUDLY! They have no respect or consideration for those of us trying to work (and at least 85-90% of our work is on the phone with doctor’s offices, patient’s, insurance companies and in my case, the doctors themselves, who call to speak with my radiologists.) It is nigh on impossible to concentrate on what needs to be done, let alone hear on the phone. I have brought it up before to my supervisors…not much is done. (And of course when any of the higher ups walk through, the culprits shut up until the higher up is gone.) When not on the phone I have my music on with my headphones. However I can only turn them up so loud or risk hearing loss…and even with them on I hear everything (The group is THAT loud!)

I have nothing against a bit of chatting and socializing…but I don’t want to hear it… Especially all day long! And most particularly when I am on the phone. By the time I am done with my day, I am on sensory overload. At the best of times I don’t do well with noisy crowds of people…I am exceptionally sensitive to high noise levels. Hearing this day in and day out (one person in particular is like nails on a chalkboard and is the loudest and the instigator) leaves me shaken and frazzled at the end of the day. I had to take two walks today on my breaks just to get away from it for a few minutes (on the bright side… Bonus for my exercise minutes! *GRINS*). I don’t need this stress in my life. I love my job (been there almost 26 years) but I deserve a pleasant work environment…not sure what to do but talk to my boss again.

Another reason I am grateful for my room…when I get home, I close my door and for the most part all is quiet. As I sit here now, all I hear is the breeze rustling the leaves, distant traffic, and the birds singing…it is heavenly. I don’t turn anything on for the longest time…no music, no TV…I luxuriate in the quiet…As a matter of fact, I haven’t had my TV on since Sunday. Pretty cool!
Anyway, these are my tests…how to keep the positive, loving energies surrounding me against all the negative that beats against me from the outside. There is a reason I am going through all of this, I just hope I survive the lessons! *LOL*

Yep…overall my life is heading in the direction for which I am aiming! HUZZAH! I am pretty much back on track. I just need to learn how to deal with these two speedbumps…I know there are lessons here, I sure hope I learn them soon.

OH! I almost forgot, tomorrow is my Friday! Then I am on vacation…oh I can’t wait. More on that tomorrow night!

Blessings!

Current Mood: tired

Happy International Women’s Day!

It is absolutely gorgeous this morning. The sun is softly shining, the birds are singing back and forth, there is a softness to the air (if that makes any sense). I am so full of gratitude this morning, my heart is fairly bursting with it! I have missed this feeling so much!

If you practice manifesting, LOA, positive thinking or just want to feel really good, there is a wonderful artist I was lead to through a Facebook group. Her name is Karen Drucker and she has written so many uplifting, positive, affirmative songs. These are songs that stick in your head and help keep you focused on the positive blessings in your life! My favorites so far are: “I Start My Day” (with Love, Peace, Joy), “Prosperity Chant,” “I’m so Grateful,” “I’m so Blessed,” and “Money is Coming to Me.” It doesn’t matter if you believe in God/ Goddess/Universe/Higher Power, these songs will lift you up to a higher sense of being and it is such a wonderful place to be! You can find her on YouTube. I start everyday listen to “I Start My Day,” and “I’m so Grateful.” It sets the tone for my day, no matter what frame of mind I am, and helps me to stay focused on the good.

I feel like I can breathe freely and deeply again. I feel a lightness of being I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m finally in a place where I can commit to some of my daily practices I have not had the heart or desire to do. I’ll start slowly at first with one or two and work my way up to my full daily rituals. I have missed them dreadfully and can’t wait to integrate them back into my life.

Today is jammie day. A day to do some reading, watch some saved TCM movies, have my lunch outside again, maybe cuddle with Lil Bit and watch a movie of her choice… a day to just be.

Blessings for a relaxing, rejuvenating, renewing day!

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: I'm so Grateful (Karen Drucker)

Warning…my thoughts and words are chasing each other like dogs chasing their tails…this is a stream of consciousness blog, it may not make sense, but I am hoping it will gel into a cohesive, understandable piece, the more I let it out.

This is a slowdown day. After months of running in chaotic full tilt mode, my body and mind (working in cahoots for a change), have decided that I need to stop today, for this moment in time.

I have slowly come to the realization over the last few weeks that I have been running away from myself. I have been lost ever since my illness. Everything that has happened in the last few months has been leading up to right now.

What precipitated this awareness was finding my old blog from 2001 to 2009 a few days ago. I felt as if I was reading someone else’s words. I cried throughout and realized that I have been subconsciously, desperately looking for the “me” I was before the cancer! I was so happy, so cheerful, so hopeful, so POSITIVE, despite what life handed me at different times during that part of my journey.
I have struggled for 5 years with everything… being positive, liking myself, KNOWING myself, caring about my life and my health...and I have had this deep, gnawing, yearning…but I didn’t know for what I was yearning. I was floundering, unable to commit to anything, unable to settle into any of my homes(unable (unwilling?) to unpack everything, unable to let go of all the old stuff (physical and mental) to make room for new…living in what amounted to a storage place instead of a home)and I didn’t know why. Reading this blog brought it into my conscious mind in a very jarring burst of understanding.

I miss the pre cancer me and I will never be that person again. That breaks my heart! As it turns out, I’m not so crazy about the post cancer me. I need to make clear one thing…despite everything I feel I have become, I am deeply, profoundly grateful for being healed! I do have gratitude for the blessings that I now I have. I have just lost the ability somehow to carry that over…no…that doesn’t sound right…to utilize it…no…maybe…to create the me I know I can be. I have been told I am strong, loving, positive person; but to me, it is all an outwardly manifestation…I have not internalized it. I have not believed it…I used to know it, feel it…down to the deepest part of me. Not anymore.

It comes down to figuring out how to integrate the BC (before cancer) me with the me I am today. I want to be the Happy, Optimistic, Outgoing, Sociable, Healthy, Giving, Generous, Loving, Positive, Hopeful person I used to be. I want to feel that strength I know I possess to have survived what I have gone through. I want to welcome and encourage change like I used to do. I DON’T want to waste any more time! 5 years is quite enough time to have wasted.

On the up side (and there is always an upside!)…I truly believe that the Universe has directed me to my new home and roommates. Sandy and I are very much on the same page in many areas of our lives, so we can root for each other, encourage and commiserate with each other. We are also different enough in the other areas to give insight we might not have had otherwise. Her mother is a challenge and I know she is part of my life in order to see and work on the parts of me which are in danger of becoming like the parts of her that drive me crazy! Additionally, in living with her I see how I do not want to become as I grow older, and most importantly, what need to develop the compassion and understanding I need as well to live with her comfortably.
This is HUGE! I have the opportunity to make the course correction in my life I so desperately need. I am watching less TV, making strides in the financial areas of my life. I am spending more contemplative time, feeling the desire to meditate again, start taking care of myself again, get back in touch with and work on the development of my spiritual self that has been quietly with me, even though I was not aware of it consciously. Even as I write this there is a sense of hope, of quiet excitement…I can almost feel my heart opening up…

If all works out…no! no! no! To put it in the positive manifesting vernacular… I am buying a new car (a real, brand spanking, honest to goodness, never owned before car) the beginning of summer and I will be venturing forth out into the world, taking on challenges, going on adventures, making new friends, no more to be the recluse I have become. I will spend more time in nature, do volunteer work, expand my horizons and continue to create the “me” I wish to be! I will still have the occasional “hermit” times where I learn, rest and grow…but the recluse is going away!

I am in a much better frame of mind now. I have forgotten how much better and often clearer things are once I have put words to “paper.” I know not everything is going to come together immediately, I am and my life is, as always, a work in progress. However, for the first time a in a VERY long time, I feel hopeful and optimistic. Once again, I will make baby steps and not shy away from things that scare me, make me feel less than I am, or make me feel hopeless…I will face any and all challenges with a smile, hope and determination to become the me I want to be!

Brightest Blessings,
Amethyst

Current Mood: calm

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am in the midst of getting to ready to move next weekend. In the three months since the decision has been made, I have become so very emotional. I cry at the drop of the proverbial hat and anything can set me off. I know for a fact the Universe has orchestrated this point in my life and I am very grateful. While the physical stuff has been difficult (not the least of which is giving up my fur baby), the catalyst has really been about my spiritual and emotional growth. At the time that all this started, I was reading (Including “Twelve Lessons), learning and meditating a lot. I realized I needed to really go through a lifetime of “stuff” I have held on to for years and let it all go so I can make room for all the new the Universe holds for me as I move on to this new adventure in my life. What I didn’t fathom was that in going through all the physical stuff, the emotional stuff I have held onto and buried would surface…This is what has been causing me to flounder.

I am facing all my fears, the hurts, the insecurities, all the ugly parts of me that have been exposed. The recognizing and acknowledging of the toxic feelings, ideas, and friendships that I have clung to over the years…it has been devastating and elevating! When I posted the other day about an encounter that left me emotionally wounded, I realized I did not have to keep this person (someone I had once loved and trusted, but no longer supports or lifts me up) in my life anymore…I mean, I really knew that for the first time.

The same with the physical stuff I am wading through…one example is /are my wedding pictures. I have held on to them for 12 years since the divorce. I allowed my ex (we are still friends)to stay with me for a month in May. I was so stressed while he was with me…When I realized that not only has he not changed, but has gotten worse and had no intention of doing anything to improve his life, I asked him to leave. This was huge for me! I can release him and the pictures. I wish him well, but I do not need to allow him into my life any more.

I know that everything I am going through now is necessary. As my emotional self is beginning to open up and heal, my spiritual self is growing by leaps and bounds as a result. While the shift I spoke is relative to my whole life, it is mostly in my spiritual inner life, which now manifests and is directly reflected in my outer not so mundane life.

My biggest problem at the moment is this proclivity to burst into tears and becoming incapacitated to the point I am falling behind in my cleaning and packing. I am avoiding listening to music and watching anything that may set me off.

Current Mood: drained
Current Location: Home

A LONG prequel note:

September and the first part of October were exceptionally difficult and emotionally draining.

I have big (for me) financial problems (my apartment raised my rent to the point where it takes one whole paycheck and part of the other one in order to make my rent, which makes it difficult to meet my other money needs like food and other bills, not to mention saving money for a car and a house and other fun stuff).

The universe stepped in and one of my workmates (and best friends) who is also going through a rough patch, asked me to move in with her (and her daughter and mom) . This cuts my rent in half and is inclusive of utilities. It felt right and there was this feeling of lightness when I said yes. I was giddy and excited for a couple of weeks, but then reality set in...I would have to break my lease, which could mean a lot of money, and I have to give up my fur baby as Sandy, her mom and daughter are all allergic to cats. Add to this trying to come down with cold/flu/allergies two weeks before my ren faire and I was just an emotional wreck. I had a couple of meltdowns the day I gave notice to the complex, but I was thrilled that the apartment manager was so understanding! The money I will owe is so much less than I feared and they will take payments!

All this and the frantic preparations for faire left me exhausted and sadly somewhat down, even with faire. This was the most difficult, emotionally draining faire in all my years of faire.

Faire was a study in contradictions this year...tears and laughter, expectations and disappointments, sorrow and joy.

It was so very good to see family I haven't seen in a long while, even if we didn't get to spend much time together. Saturday night was a revelation to me and deep bonds were made with my House, which I will never forget!

It was a testing time and we all made it through, hopefully more solid in our foundation and love for one another!

TODAY:

Now it is a simply beautiful morning! Laundry on to wash, dishwasher drying, I now enjoy a quiet moment and cuppa before I jump into the chaotic vortex that is my home.

Years before "Frozen" existed, my mantra was "Let it go, Let it go, Let it go," sung to the tune of "Let it Snow." Of course back then it was to help remind me to let go of hurt feelings, disappointments and petty anger.

Now it is for letting go of all the "stuff" I own that no longer serves me and is cluttering up my space externally and the stress it causes internally. I am in the midst of a major shift in my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

As I work to draw good changes and things into my life, the Universe seems to be doing everything it can to expedite the changes. Events and circumstances are falling into place so easily, dreams are supporting me with signs and symbols that seem to be validating what is occurring in my life, the old is making way for the new! It is exciting, scary, and breathtaking!

As wonderful as all this is, for me the most exciting aspect of all of this is, is the shift in my spirit. I feel as if I am opening up to a whole new level of being, my spirit is yearning to take flight and I am almost there! I am drawn to new books, new people and new experiences that are supporting me as I spread my wings. It is simply amazing to experience the serendipity and synergy follows me now!

Sorry, long ramble, but it was pushing me to let it out and get in writing so more can come. Simply loving this.

Blowing kisses, sending Zen hugs, wishing you love, peace, serenity, and joy this beautiful Sunday.

Current Mood: Blissful
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Soothing Sanctuary, part 1

Has it truly been 7 years since I last posted here? Oh my stars! Well, I have been longing to start journaling again and now seems as good a time as any.

I'm not even sure where to begin, so much has happened since my last entry. Let's see, my last entry I had reached my pre-Michael weight. Well, I have gained it all back, but in the past 5 years there have been extenuating circumstances!

In a quick overview,I am still a voracious reader, I am still Pagan, I have lost some friends and made some new ones. I still love Ren Faires and still adore my Faire Family.

As for a bit of catching up, I just passed my 25 year anniversary at Steinberg Diagnostic. I now work at the admin building near Summerlin. I live in an apartment a 5 minute drive from work or a half hour walk. My car died a year ago and thanks to some dear friends, I get rides to and from work now that it is the dead of summer. The rest of the year, I walk!

I'm still single, happily so, but have not closed the door to the possibility of love. I have a beautiful cat named Shade who was given to me by my Ent for my 50th birthday. Later that year, quite by accident (I suffered a bad fall), I discovered I had ovarian cancer. I had a hysterectomy, 4 rounds of intense chemo, lost all my hair and survived! I am so grateful for everything I have gone through and am now going through.

It's not easy, but it is so very worth it. Re-reading my journal from the beginning, I see over the past several years, that I am repeating behaviors and thought patterns. Just when I think I am moving forward, I find I have taken a couple of steps back. Still, I am making progress.

Now, that's enough for now. I have too many thoughts chasing around my mind and need to calm down and try to sort them out

Overall, life is good and I am happy, but of course I can always make it better. That is part of the reason for picking up journaling again! I am ready to make forward progress again!

Keep Moving Forward!

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: United States, Nevada, Las Vegas

I did it!!! Met my first goal, plus 1 pound! 31 pounds... If I felt better, I would be bouncing off the walls! *smiles* As it stands, I am sedately pleased and ready to set my next goal and work hard to achieve it. I really wish I felt better....I should be so much more excited than I am...*Sighs* Well maybe in a couple of days....

I am now Pre-Michael weight. YES! I am able to get into a lovely red lacy, satiny negligee that I had before I met Michael. I was never able to wear it during our marriage (Not that it would have made any difference, but that is another story…no…wait…It is all in the past and has absolutely NO bearing my life now…it is forgotten). In any event, the numbers and inches keep melting away. My sister isn’t going to recognize me.(well, of course she will but you know what I mean! *giggles*)

*GRINS* October is going to be such rush. I tried my garb on and it is TOO big…well, my skirts are falling off my hips and my bodice wants to over lap from the bottom to about half way up. It still supports my girls, but I can breathe easily…*LOL* Anyone who knows anything about bodices, knows that is not necessarily a good thing. My chemises I am not too worried about since I wear them under everything, so I am good there for the time being.

Yep, I Rock!

Brightest Blessings,
Ame

Current Mood: happy

It is never to late-in fiction or in life-to revise. (Nancy Thayer)

Good Morning, my friends and Happy St. Patrick's Day! It is a beautiful morning here in Vegas and my day started pretty well too. I finally hit my 20 pound mark...22.5 actually. 4 pounds gone this week!!! I thought I was never gonna make it. The first 15 wers so easy! (relatively speaking) I have never worked so hard or struggled so much (And I was doing everything correctly) to lose 5 pounds!

Yanno, I hit my highest weight during my marriage (he is an alcoholic) and didn't find out til after I left my ex that I had become a stress eater. When we separated, I dropped 60 pounds in about 3 months, not doing anything special (besides my dancing), because suddenly the stress was gone. It literally fell off.

I ended up putting it on again once I was in a really bad roommate situation, and once I was out of there, I dropped about 20-25 almost immediately, again without much effort. In fact, it seemed once I tried to start "working" on it to lose more, the more stubborn it became! The the harder I dieted, the harder it was to lose the weight. It is just so wierd.

Since setting foot upon this path, I have learned that I wasn;t and overeater, I just ate badly all the time,.I was a junky eater! This site I belong to, gives me a calorie range and I very often find that, while eating eating healthy, I struggle to eat up to the lowest end of the range. I find that amazing! I questioned that for the longest time, but now I understand that you have to eat to lose weight. That my body needs the energy to do the work that burns the calories. It is such a conundrum...but I have seen the results.

I have finally learned the difference between "dieting" and "Lifestyle Change." Much to my surprise it is easier in some ways then I thought it would be! I haven't had a soda or chips since the first of the year(Except for half a glass of Dr. Pepper and a handful of chips on my birthday) and I haven't missed them. I buy large quantities of veggies and fruit, I have cut back(But can't cut out entirely cause I love it) red meat, and I drink approximately 10-12 glasses of water a day. I have learned there is no "bad" food or "Good" food. I can incorporate my favourite goodies into my lifestyle. I joined a gym two weeks ago and get up at 4:30 every morning to walk on the treadmill. I am up to 50 minutes and a lttle over two miles. Today I meet with my trainer and learn how to use the machines and weights.

I have to admit that my enthusisam is not as great now as it was at the beginning. I floated for about the first month, recommending left and right the free weight support group I was led to (www. Sparkpeople.com) and getting up at 5 am to dance evey morning. I wish I still had that GUNGHO attitude, that excitiment and thrill.

I often find myself trying to talk myself out of the full 50 minutes on the treadmill. I have to push, lecture and cajole myself to finish. However, once done, there is an intense feeling of pride that I pushed through and finished. Go Figure! I realize now, that I have the deep seated motivation, the determination to be healthier and life my life more succulantly! It isn't all about losing the weight. It is about becoming a happier, healthier, more alive me!

I am just full of contradictions this morning! *LOL* The one thing I am really looking forward to ( beside new clothes and being able to sit cross legged, among other things) is going to my Party in September and my Faire in October and having my friends and Faire Family NOT recognize me(or at the very least having their jaws drop when they see me.) All of my friends and family have never known me any other way but Heavy. Heck, it seems I have never known me any other way but heavy!

Well, time to finish my laundry and get ready to meet with my trainer.

Have a great weekend and be sure to do at least one thing that makes you happy!

*snuggles*

Love, Light and Laughter,
Amethyst

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: The whir of my fans

The Aim of Life is to Live,
and to Live Means to be Aware, Joyously, Drunkenly, Serenely, Divinely Aware.

{Henry Miller}.

It is a beautiful Sunday Afternoon. I have had a wonderful weekend. (Well, Friday was not so great, but I did get my license renewed so, Yea me! Oh, and last night really sucked...had to call the police on my neighbours AGAIN....my walls were vibrating their music was SO loud. After the police left, the neighbours got REALLY childish and spent the next two hours stomping just as loudly as they could all across the apartment, I swear I thought that the ceiling was going to cave in and they were going to end up in my apartment. They really need to GROW UP!).

ANWAY! Yesterday I spent a delightful interlude with two dear friends for lunch and a movie. (It was an early birthday gift from them. *grins*) We saw "Music and Lyrics", it was too cute. I enjoyed it immensely! I now have to purchase the soundtrack as I have a couple of the songs dancing in my head all the time! *LOL* I love my friends and am so grateful to have had that precious time with them.

*Drumroll please!* I made my weight loss goal for my birthday day two days early and actually exceed the loss by 1.5 pounds! Again... YEA me! My next goal will have me at 30 pounds gone and I can't wait. *does the happy dance* I have never in my life been so jazzed about a lifestyle change...and it is a lifestyle change. Now when I go to the store I bypass the sodas(Been almost two months without a soda! hehehe)...I reach for fruits and veggies and I use smart balance instead of butter. I'm eating whole grain bread , whole wheat pasta and I eat a lot of chicken...I'm dancing everyday...will one day soon perhaps join a gym. Of course I can't see any changes, but I feel so much better and my clothes are beginning to fit a wee bit more loosely.

I have not felt this good in such a long time, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I am disgustingly cheerful...I am slowly weeding out the negativity in my thoughts and in my life and that has included gently letting go of the negative people in my life. I am determined to surround myself with positive, upbeat people . Even more than I used to, I am finding joy in the everyday and it is such a miraculous blessing. I have started attending the church of Religious Science and just going makes me so happy and bubbly! They teach what I have always known(but never really had success with), which is I can do, have and be anything I put my MIND to Doing, Having and Being! It is such a joy*full experience and I look forward to going again next weekend.

For now, I think I am going to go work on my vision board. I bought a large cork board to today. I have posterboard, paints, stencils and pictures. I will make a board that will have all my wishes on it...the things I want to manifest in my life. *GRINS* It's "The Secret!" I know I can do it. NOW....TODAY! Baby steps.....baby steps...towards a brighter lovely, love*filled life. A life which is good and happy and loving now!

Brightest Blessings,
Ame

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Earth Abides (Philip Aaberg)

The real momentof success is not the moment apparent to the crowd. (George Bernard Shaw)

I posted a comment on another Sparker’s blog this morning (Spark People is the support site I live at now! *LOL*) regarding exercise and what I do to get my daily exercise in and I felt the urge to blog about it myself here. It is for me, right now, the single most important facet of my lifestyle change. I used to HATE to exercise. Period…end of story. I knew that it was a key ingredient in the whole lifestyle change and I just couldn’t get my brain to wrap itself around the concept and embrace it. I mean really, a woman of my size out in public, going to the gym with all those size two little things and making a fool out of my self. I so don’t think so!

Then I had a sort of epiphany (although deep down I had known it all along…go fig) Movement of ANY kind is exercise. Walking at the park, feeding the ducks. Walking to work everyday…walking AROUND work everyday in the course of my duties (I usually put in, at the very least, two miles a day running around after my doctors. I wonder if that really counts towards exercise?). But most of all, I discovered that what I love to do most is considered exercise. I love to dance. I dance at work (even if it is in my chair, and especially when I am all alone in my little room when my workmate leaves for the day), when I am at my Renaissance Faires, you can catch me dancing surreptitiously when the drums begin or we are in the vicinity of the belly dancers. When I go to my Christmas party or to other parties I frequent with a group of some of my online friends, I can dance the night away. Last August, a friend and I actually closed down a party, we danced to everything, including the twist! He was kind enough to give me a massage afterwards as my body was ready to rebel and thought I was going to fall down from sheer exhaustion

Yes, I ADORE dancing and it occurred to me as I began contemplating and planning this lifestyle change toward the end of last year, that this is what I could do for exercise. I can do it in the privacy of my own home. I can be just wild and uninhibited as I wish! *Smiles* It can be sensuous, as I explore my body and it’s reactions to the moves I make, it can be exhilarating, it can be so very exciting as I am able to bend, stretch and twist farther as I get more fit, and it can be exhausting, but it always feels GOOD! It is what helps keep me motivated.

I have several songs that I love, and when they come on, I just HAVE to move. So, I put them in a few different dance mixes that now are 45 minutes long and just boogie away. (I started out at 20 minutes sets, then went to 30 minutes and now here I am) I have two songs that inspire me every time I hear them and they are in every mix. Gloria Estefan's "Get on your feet" which for me is so apropos, and Sugarland's "Something More." When I dance, I twist, turn, stretch, and shake my hips as if there is no tomorrow. It gets my blood flowing, my heart pumping and it ALWAYS puts me in a positive frame of mind.

As I become surer of myself, more in tune with myself, as I grow to love myself more and as I grow to care less what other people think, I will venture forth to the gym. Those size two little things have nothing on me! *grins* I am a strong, vibrant, healthy, loving, succulent woman and the world is mine!

Brightest Blessings,
Ame

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Home

"I'm no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my own ship." Louisa May Alcott

I was in California last weekend for a play party with some of my favourite internet friends. It was so good to see them and have the opportunity to visit dance and ...erm...PLAY! I got to see my "cuz" Crowe and my "Uncle" David. We had a great time. (And I didn't put on any weight! Huzzah! Of course with all the walking and dancing and playing....*giggles*) Oh and I was able to spend some time with this lovely man I met at my first Shadow Lane Play party a year ago. I did not have the opportinuty to play with him then, but I had two lovely sessions with him last weekend.

We took boat rides in Channel Island Harbor(We stayed at an older hotel in Oxnard which was on a penninsula and it was just lovely!) I enjoyed the first boat ride so much I went on another one! How I miss the ocean. How I miss California! The wing of the hotel I stayed at, had no elevators, so I climbed up and down stairs several times a day. Imagine my delight when I felt no pain in my knees for the first time in more years than I care to count. While I could hear my knees(ew!), I had no problem with the stairs at all...and I fast danced a lot at the dinner dance Saturday night and could have danced til morning had the band played that long! *LOL* Anywho, after a wonderfully relaxing and thoroughly enjoyabe weekend, I arrived home Sunday afternoon. I had a long, but not horrible week at work and now ...here I am! *LOL*

I have been so focused on my Health goal, the time is just flying by at an incredible pace! I have lost another 3 pounds, which means I may meet my birthday goal of 15 pounds gone! I feel great and people are starting to notice I am losing a wee bit of weight. That just tickles me to death! I have danced every day except for 4 days when I was out of town, and the difference in my overall sense of well being is fantastic.

I have lost enough weight that I can buy off the rack at Wal-Mart. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I bought a blouse for $12.98 at Wal-Mart that would have cost me $50.00( or more) at the store I normally have to go to for clothes. I actually could afford three new blouses for my weekend in California! I very rarely buy myself new clothes because they are so bloody expensive! Huzzah for me!! *LOL*

While I am thrilled with how well I am progressing with my health goal, I have been so very tightly focused on it that I have been neglecting my other two goals. Actually, my financial work is easing forward and I really have no complaints on that score. However, my focus has totally been off my spiritual goal and I REALLY need to rearrange my schedule/ time so that I can devote a couple of hours a day at least to what I promised myself I would do to help myself develop spiritually.

Despite my inattentiveness, The Goddess has been watching out for me! Even though I have not devoted as much time as I feel I should in developing my relationship with her, I am always so grateful for all the blessings in my life! I know without a shadow of a doubt that her hand is in all I now am and am working on becoming this year. She continues to surprise and delight me with her presence in my life.

So starting this weekend, I am going to set aside 30 minutes a day to read, study, meditate, and talk with the Goddess. I have learned through my experiences with my health goals, that baby steps are much more effective and more likely to be followed than setting huge tasks for myself and letting myself down. I will work up to a couple of hours as I ease the 30minutes a day into being as natural as breathing.

On my SP site, I have a personal page and I have written a pledge to myself on that page, that covers all my goals:

I, AmethystStar Pledge to do my best to work towards successfully meeting my goals this year.

I pledge to be kind to myself, to love, and encourage myself. To have a sense of humour and to pick myself up when I fall, without castigating, berating, or hating myself.

I pledge to surround myself with people who are positive and upbeat; who will love me and encourage me. I will be there for them as well, to love, encourage and cheer them on as they strive to meet their own goals.

I pledge to set mini goals for myself so that I am not overwhelmed, and I will celebrate every success and learn from ever mis-step.

I will find the joy in every day! I will go through my day with an attitude of gratitude for ALL that the blessings that I have in my life.

I move forward. I am going to work on a Vision Board for myself. On it I will place pictures, words and ideas of the things that I want in my life. I will concentrate on it each day, to draw the positive into my life. (One would think I had taken the opportunity to watch "The Secret." One would be right! *grinssss*)

I went to the library today and checked out some marvelous books to explore. Being Saturday night, my Brit coms are on PBS and I have a novel to finish in a trilogy written by Nora Roberts. It is wonderful and I will HAVE to buy it when I can.

Now it is time to think about supper and see who of my friends are online to chat with tonight. I have my live 365 radio on listening to the oh so relaxing New age station Gentle sounds and I am in such a blissful place.

Bright Blessings on this beautiful Saturday evening and be sure to do at least one thing that brings you joy this weekend.
Ame

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Home

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Choose Happiness!

My journey to Simple Abundance

Recent Entries

Preparing and Planning for "MY" upcoming New Year

OVERALL GOALS FOR 2017

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Huzzah for Vacation!

A week of contradictions

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